RESUMES

I spent the past summer working as a recruiter in Minneapolis and every week I went through hundreds of resumes posted on the Internet.  The following is a collection of weird comments and ridiculous things people really put on actual resumes posted in the Twin Cities area between May and August 2002.  I didn’t alter any of the capitalization or punctuation.  And I certainly didn’t alter the spelling.

RESUME HEADERS – Most people put down their name or job title for their required resume header on sites like Monster.com or HotJobs.com.  However, some people choose a snappy title for their resume, I assume in the hopes of catching employers’ attention.  Here are some of the gems:

• The Incredible Hard Worker

• Mrs. Multitasker Does it All!

• Legendary Account Management & Client Relations

• Sales Representative with Heart!

• I can be your hero

• Your Girl Friday

• relationship sales expert-WINNER!

• Let’s make money.

• Experianced Retail Manager

• Myriad of Talents and Expirience

• Take a chance on me and I will work for free!

• Bullseye55121

• Sales goddess

• Sales! Sales! Sales! I love to sell!! And love making money doing it.

• ...."ground-hog day"....

• Marketing - "A Dream I Live & Love"

• Got work??

• In search of....an opportunity....

• Fluent in French and Women's Rights!

• Super PC Guru At Your Service

• Lucky 1

• Awesome Asset to your company

• PICK ME!!! CLICK ME!!!, PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THE MIDWEST!!!!!

• Customer Service Rep Extraordinaire!

• Hire Me: I Survived "X-clu-sick" WASP University!

• Hardest working man in Hardware

• One of the best- Account Management-Client Relation Development

• "Thank you for calling, Lucinda speaking, how may I direct your call?

• BORN TO SELL...............PHARMACEUTICALS

CAREER OBJECTIVES – This is where people get a chance to state what they want to do with their life.

• Objective: To rock the world of Marketing, and the company that utilizes my skills.

• Employment objective: To start a career where set work schedule is set and a base salary is present.

• to find a rewarding carrier in the technical industry

• I am looking to be a real company woman.

• OBJECTIVE: Insurance agent seeking work as a professional smart-ass with experience selling tacos and ice cream, loading trucks, fueling jets, playing pickup basketball, volunteering in a tutoring/mentoring program for elementary school students, driving just a little too fast, and enjoying life who, although possessing strong oral and written communication skills, is sometimes unfairly thought of as being aloof for ignoring people to whom he has nothing to say.

• Employment Objective: To be able to find stress free easy going job.

• I am interested in sales, management,theater internships. I am not looking for any employment in the cleaning field.

• Employment objective: I will be very sincere and dedicated to the job.

• I am looking for a job in retail and or in sales. working with costumers in any way is a benift to you and your company.

• Objective: Useing all knoledge from vast aray of careers to foster unique skills leading to the progression upward for the bennefit of the company, with passion for immense stimuli and education of business functions.

• I will be a great first impression, a!Great phone manner and experience will bring a useful addiction to your company.

• I have found threw a very unique work experience that my strong points are in the areas of creative problem solving, focus, and team dynamics.

• My objective is to work for a stable and established company that will not fold after a short time.

• What field? Who cares, I have excelled at every job I have had from baling hay in high school to presenting a poster at a national scientific convention.

• Description of my perfect job: Three-point specialist for an NBA team, followed by a transition into ownership of the team. But I'm 29 now, and it's starting to look like I might never make it to the NBA. Would also consider any position in which I can push people around and make myself feel like a big shot.

• Objective: To find a career within a well-established organization that will in turn allow my diligent and self- starting work ethic to expose my successful background within the Management arena. Which will then afford me the opportunity to earn upward mobility with in the said organization.

• I bring a "ready-to-change-the-world attitude" with a balance of realism.

• Objective: SNOOZE LONGER. CHA-CHA MORE. BE POSITIVELY ADORED.  Make this perfect bliss ALL YOURS with a first-class PRODUCTION MANAGER making YOUR WHOLE LIFE ... a whole lot easier.  __ Oh Yes! Yes! Yes! Please get me this guy -- RIGHT NOW!

• EMPLOYMENT OBJECTIVE: sales-retail, secratery, customer service, adminastrative assistant

• OBJECTIVE Find an entry to mid level position in an office setting Office

• OBJECTIVE To truly feel alive, I must get back into a sales position. I am a fabulous candidate because I can learn product knowledge quickly, I think outside the box, and I work my ass off. Laziness and lack of integrity are absolutely not found here. If you invite me for an interview, I guarantee that it will not be a waste of time. In a year, I will be in the top 5% of your sales performers. Yes, I am confidant, but I am equally capable.

• I want to come in and make a lot of money. Thats all there is to it. I have a great sence of humor for a laid back office to a very professional attitude when the work gets tough. 12 Hour days are short days. 6-7 days a week, not a problem. Who cares about vacation, I just want to make money and a lot of it. It would be a crazy thing to do if you passed this application by.

• Objective: I seek a variety of positions, mainly open to what can be described to me.

• My objective is to primarily provide a source of security for my family, and it's future. I want to become a member of a team that is somewhat unconventional and is behind the scenes, while managing the front lines. I desire a position that would allow my creativity to flow freely; to be able to express ideas and strategies without being dismissed as a non essential member. I also am open to learning new things, as I have often bypassed the basics, though have integrated them smoothly. An example of my abilities is this . . .I picked up three languages in three two months . . .Japanese, Finnish and Swahili. I was fluent enough to hold upstanding conversations overseas with natural speakers utilizing a known vocabulary of 3800 words in 3 weeks. I have since let it die. The point is my diligence and unconventional creativity is key to my private success, and would like to employ it in any field at this point.

• Objective: In persuit of a position with a company that I can believe in.

• While this market is still hot I would like to get in right now and make a rediculous amount of money. Also, I don't take NO for an answere, I will apply everyday until I get an interview at least. Same with my leads, I won't stop until I both the consumer and I are satisfied. Thank You for your time.

• OBJECTIVE: To utilize my skills and achievements to further my experience in a job field that I can obtain and exceed my knowledge not only from my perception, but also acquire from their intellect.

ON THE JOB EXPERIENCE – These are descriptions of jobs people held previously (or currently hold).

• I guide guests through dining experience

• Have realized that while what I'm doing is worthwhile and a valuable service to our clients, that working with insurance every day is 9% less interesting than a Mr. T comeback special.

• I mostly work on cashier and cusomter service and whe is not busy I work on sale floor

• Work with the costumers, help them find the tools and materials for there needs. Service the costumer with the lumber. Cosumer service and communication was a large part in the duties.

• Help customer's and cancer patient to create new hair-do and make up!

• CAMERA OPERATOR: Worked for one season as a cameraman for a man I believe to be the worst person in the world, Bob Mehsikomer, host of the not-too-terribly popular program, "Simply Fishing with Bob Mehsikomer." Despite the fact that Bob is an openly racist, egomaniacal, homophobic, patronizing redneck, I made it through the 13-show season without punching him in the nose.

• Set apointments, arive on time, and give a preasention of long term care. Evaluate clients abilaty to quilfy for coverage.Do paperwork and followup.

• To over see the operation and work In the valt. Work in costumer service. worked a lot of costumer service.

• Hired, terminated and trained employees

• Worked as a high school baseball umpire after attending Jim Evans Academy of Professional Umpiring. Made thousands of ball/strike, fair/foul, and safe/out calls without missing one. Was unsuccessful in constant attempts to badger batters into charging the mound.

• Arrive at work, sit around for 20 minutes, fuel a jet for 10 minutes, read a book for 40 minutes, fuel a jet for 14 minutes, watch tv for 35 minutes, and so on. Learned that 747s look even bigger when you're underneath them.

• JOB HISTORY: many job titles including assistant manager, department manager,latout associate,unit and pricing manager,cash office (note: that’s all they wrote for their entire job history)

• EXPERIENCE: Poet

• Exsplain several lease options!

• Loaded trucks after college for UPS while looking for other work, and actually managed to enjoy the physical nature of the work most of the time. Fortunately I have the strength of ten men.

• Scheduling for four employee's.At the kiosk and store!

• Independent Concessions Contractor - Served golfers cold beverages in a polite, timely manner.

• a track record of delivering “legendary” client service

• Covered events in the world of international sports, interfacing with such legendary personalities as Prince Albert of Monaco, Sylvester Stallone, David Bowie, Iman, Gloria Gaynor

• Knowledge and experience with multi-hundred thousand-dollar orders

• Purchased Blank Vidio Tape, Music Vidio Storage, Batteries, and Books

• I'am a seasoned sales representitive

• TEAMSTER APPERENTICE

• International marketing organization. Telemarketing sales: I would called a list of people that where clints and had stoped reciveing the papper and got them to sing back up for service.

• I have over one year of sales experience in a number of industries.

• Personal Assistant: I was basically a glorified mother/housewife/office assistant. I would've kept this job for quite some time if my boss had not spontaneously left on vacation for a month.

• Subway Sandwich Shop, Sandwich Artist, Prepared food for consumer consumption.

• Further instigated the use of conscientiousness, attentiveness, and sincerity when dealing with people.

• Old Home Foods: Picker on a line - Set up clean up picker put machine together paper work

• Zipp's Liquors, Head Cashier, Enforced liquor laws, stocked merchandise, and served customers of varying backgrounds and economic status. 

SKILLS – This is where people tell what they can offer potential employers.

• I'm a bilingual which means i can speak 4 different languages

• SKILLS: Get things done, Honest, puntual

• Certified Brick Sales Person

• I bring excitement and enthusiasm to work with me everyday, not only for myself but plenty extra to go around the company.

• I can work on a car and do minor repairs and I can care for the disabled, I can sell things, I can be a customer service rep.

• Im a healthy eater so I exercise and Im a member of Ballys and with Big Sister program.

• Able to make up words that sound real but are shamefully promaverous

• Skills and Interests: Internet software including: Goggle, Yahoo, MSN, Outlook Express, and Internet Explorer

• Certifications: Putting together a five minute video. Making an interactive game for kids. Building a model of a head with fine details.

• Proud for no obvious reason

• Certification: LOG SPLITTING, BUILDING MAINTANANCE, SLED DOGS, COURSE PREP, ROAD REPAIR, FOOD PREP, DOCK WORK

• Basically my education, experience, and ability to adapt makes me an excellent canidate for almost any area of business.

• Team Player, Hard working, Honist, True, Trust worthy, Fun, People person

• As you peruse over my resume, you will notice I have a well-experienced and diverse back ground in the managerial field.

• C.O.D. DELIVERIES. BY PALET JACK, HAND JACK, CART, AND MOSTLY 2 WHEEL. YARD JOCKEY WHEN NEEDED.

• No more organized than necessary

• SKILLS: Aministrative Assistant

• Skills:  I'am some what machanically inclined,can run most machines,deburring to photo nad sewing machines.I am pretty good with math.

• I'm good with customer because of my many language skills thanx to god.

• I will be a great first impression, everytime!

• I am one of the most energetic and outgoing persons that you could ever meet. I love a challenge. I want to be somewhere where my efforts will lead to satisfying results. If honesty, integrity, and a very strong work ethic are of importance to you, I may be the person that you ae looking for!

• I'm willing to bring hard work and eneger to the table.

• Admirer of the arcane

• ABLE TO WORK INDEPENDTLY OR WITH MORE THEN 1 PERSON

• I am strong and in good shape and i just need to make money, so I will take an type of job. I also have sales experience.

• Nearly always able to keep it real

• References are availed upon request.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE FOLLOWING WERE ALL TAKEN FROM THE SAME SINGLE RESUME.  BEHOLD THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD.

Title: Computers-Sales-Math-etc. That is me - only 15 , but an A Student

Objective: I need to find some one In Eagan or Apple Valley, Minnesota whom will give me atleast $7.50/hr with good hours. I turn 16 on 9/11/02 But am on summer break untill them. Currently work at McDonnalds, but only get $6.55/hr. (cheepskates:) I know that I am getting screwed for the effort I give them and I want something better. The fields of Math, Government, Sales, and Computers intrerest me. I have a GPA of 3.688 (last quarter 3.900) I will be a sophmore in High School. I ain't the typical teenager as I am devoted do the real world, not music and friends, though i wouldn't mind making them. I do have reliable transportation to anywhere in eagan/apple valley. and better when I get my license at the end of summer. I first got a job at Taco Bell the day of my 14th birthday. For 8 months i worked there then got a great offer from McDonnalds and accepted, I've been there ever since. I know my age wont be great for some employers , but If you want give me a call. I am always looking to improve my status.

PS: I find McD's boreing. I mean I could sireously run that place. I often do anyways (even at the age of 15).

Description of my ideal company:
Quite Frankly, I am open to anything that I can do by Law as a 15 year old. I prefer to work with nice people, or solo. I jump at the possibility of having a future with a company, such as promotions and raises etc. Flexable hours are nice. But all I need is respect and I'm open to neerley anything

EXPERIENCE:

5/2001 – Present, McDonalds of Eagan

Title: Savior (ok empoyee but i've managed before)

Yes, When they hiered me i started at 6.50 same as Taco Bell, I was happy with my job untill the head manager quit. Annual raises came around and the corprate guy BOB gve everyone 5 cents. THen the new manager took over and drove me nuts untill he hired nice shift managers. But I still worked my best every single day. I can name dozens of timed when I've actually done the managers job because i had no choice. I learned alot and have earned the respect of everyone there except the evil head manager. He still treats me like a child. Although I am, I know I am more than that. I think I just may need to move on, As much as I love the job. I dont think it is worth neer minnumum wadge. Plus now I may need to help support my family, and I am looking for more.+

9/2000 - 5/2001 Border Foods, Taco Bell Eagan, Minnesota

Title: Ass Kisser

Well, I did thier dirty work. For them untill I got offered a better job at McDonnalds. But Hey, I was only 14 and NEEDED MONEY. Not that that has changed that much. I cleaned Loby and took orders. Never touched the food or Drive through.

Additional Information:

I know I have great potential. SOmeday I hope to run for political office, but right now I need to earn myself some expereence and money. I know I am better than McDonnalds and Taco Bell. They dont use me to my highest potential. I am looking for some one who can. If you are Interested in getting some one whose fresh young and new give me an E-Mail at xxxxx@xxxxx.com. You wont be sorry!

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